I begin snorting Xanax in neat little lines off of my algebra book before dinner shortly after my 15th birthday. My mother will stare inquisitively at me over a full plate of chicken and mashed potatoes that I push around the plate but never eat as I unsuccessfully try to keep myself head upright. I am moody and uninterested in casual banter. Every question asked will be met with a one word answer and I wait till she is not looking to dump the contents of the plate into a napkin that will meet my bedroom garbage can shortly after. I don’t have an eating disorder but the act of eating is a chore for me that derive no instant gratification from and consequently I decide I have no use for it. I am temporarily unable to lift my head and spend hours staring at the ceiling being agitated by any slight sound I hear. The sound of a chirping cricket will propel me into a rage of kicking the walls in the tiny perimeter of my bedroom in an effort to silence it. Eventually I stumble into a Volvo and force myself to breed a casual conversation with my best friends mother, who like mine, is completely oblivious. (november, 2000)

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  1. This is good writing. About the darker things that happen to us when we grow up (well, er, no, not to everyone) and which at that time are impossible to understand.

    If you look back, years later, and it still seems valid and is still influencing your life, then this only means that you have never given up on your ways and your passion(s). It is what made you, and not just an anecdote.

    Thank you for sharing this. I become more and more amazed by this strangers life that opens up before me. Hope you don’t mind my personal interpretation of what you are laying out here.

    Carribean and sun sounds excellent. myself, I will be leaving a dark cold european city on saturday to go to another cold but much more amazing place for 2 weeks. I hope that there will be a little bit of sun for me in New York.

  2. sirensrising

    Thanks Alex! i like what you wrote a lot, I thnk it’s so true. New York is very cold today! and not sunny :(

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